


She was the sun to me

by 2u2000yrsfromnow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Dissociation, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 07:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29622825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2u2000yrsfromnow/pseuds/2u2000yrsfromnow
Summary: Mikasa Ackerman struggles to cope with her past relationship with Annie, she feels dependant on her, she can't let her go although even though very soon she's going to have to
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Annie Leonhart
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	She was the sun to me

**Author's Note:**

> !TRIGGER WARNING!  
> mental health issues, destructive behaviour, implied self harm, mentions of suicide, intrusive thoughts

They were fine. 

Mikasa sat against the cold wall in her room crying

They will be fine, right?

The end of her high school years couldn’t end like this, they couldn’t, how could she live without her? 

Tears ran down her porcelain face as her head fogged up with thoughts, she felt tired and destroyed, it had been 3 years, why is she upset? This is stupid

She’s stupid.

That morning Mikasa woke up her head aching against the hard wall, dried blood coating her arms, the bags under her eyes painting her as a corpse. 

The day in school felt blurry, she wasn’t truly there. It all felt like a dream. She wasn’t real, she was an illusion everyone played into, a hallucination to her friends, a joke.

Days felt monotonous, the dissociation melted her brain and her mind cutting through her ties to reality.

The only thing that kept her anchored was her. She was the sun, she was the light in her life, the only thing stopping her from entering the pearly gates.

Mikasa watched as she laughed, with her friends. She looked happy.

Happier without her.

She missed her, she missed her, she missed her.

So much.

She walked through the painted corridors alone, the tears couldn’t stop today. She couldn’t function today. 

She slumped against the walls as classes went along around her and cried, her head dizzy from the heaving

She finally peered up from her knees, snot running down her face. And tears hitting her flushed cheeks.

Then she walked past.

Annie. 

She just walked past, ignoring Mikasa helpless on the floor, like some ice queen walking through her cold kingdom.

She was weak, nothing to her anymore

Annie had got over it. Got over her

Her mind strayed back to the grassy hill when they were 10, grass stains and cuts covering their knees as they sat together, watching the sky fill with kites and string, people running around them but then and there they were the centre of the universe.

‘I love you Mikasa’

’Stop joking around Annie’

‘Im not being sarcastic’

In that moment Mikasa felt it, Annie had saved her from herself, saved her from the darkness in her mind

Annie was the sun.

How could such a sarcastic, magnetic girl fall for someone as weak and pathetic as her?

Mikasa lay in the corridor, her heart still breaking

‘Mikasa your teacher called me, this has been happening a lot lately’

The support staff sat next to her as she cried, unable to speak, unable to communicate her troubles.

Hours later Mikasa walked through the school green, she saw her again. Her fringe flowing in the breeze

’She looks terrible today, I mean that new hair cut really doesn’t look good on her’ a friend whispered in Mikasa’s ear

‘Yeah’

She looked perfect, she was perfect

Mikasa sat on the freezing concrete in a group of friends, her friends.

She didn’t fit, she was an anomaly. Different, no matter what she did there was always that glass wall between her and them keeping her from being able to properly relate, to properly feel as if she belonged.

The crinkle of the crisp packet filled her ears as the drones of her friends filled her ears

‘Mikasa I heard something about you, I heard..’

Another day another rumour, she looked over to Annie and her friends, the girl standing next to Annie shot her a venomous glare

They treated Annie like shit.

But they convinced her it was better.

Because it wasn’t Mikasa.

She sat in the chair of her psychiatrists office, the bland room made her feel like the walls were slowly closing in, crushing her

‘Why have you been so bad lately Mikasa?’ The calm voice asked

‘She’s leaving me’

‘Who?’

‘Annie, we’re going off to college, I’m never going to see her again’

‘I thought you didn’t talk to Annie’

‘I don’t, but I don’t think I can even live without her presence, seeing her everyday makes me feel safe, secure and calm, I know she’s okay alive and safe but when she’s gone I don’t think I’ll be able to cope’

’Have you tried apologising?’

‘She doesn’t want to hear it’

‘We should work on coping mechanisms to help you let go’

‘I don’t want to, she saved me’

13 years old, an odd age. 

When it all started.

Mikasa loved Annie, she had Annie in her grasp.

Pictures of her past, flew past her eyes the thing she tried oh so hard to push away, she couldn’t do it any longer.

The intrusive thoughts started to hit.

‘Are you okay, you can talk to me about anything?’

‘Fuck off Annie’

Annie started to pull away, Mikasa felt jealous with all these new friends surrounding her,

Taking Annie away.

Annie was hers.

‘Are you coming to youth club tonight Annie? You haven’t been for weeks’

‘I quit.’

Annie was gone, she was still there but she was gone. She had fallen for her new friends, Mikasa wasn’t the only one anymore

Red flashed her eyes, she had to do something. Annie couldn’t leave her

She wouldn’t leave her.

Weeks of abusive words and punches thrown, all in good spirits right?

Bad attention was better than no attention

‘Annie you look like shit’

Mikasa taunted her, pushing her around constantly

‘That hurts Mikasa’ tears poured ‘you’re a bully’

No, she wasn’t, how could she be something like that? she loved Annie.

That day, the sun seared and the school bell rang

Mikasa breathed heavy as she ran for the bus, everything seemed to taunt her.

Annie sat near the back, her eyes focused on her phone not even giving her a second look

‘Hey Annie’

Mikasa sat down next to her, the dusty seats uncomfortable, but normal

‘Annie why aren’t you talking to me?’  
‘Annie please answer me’  
‘Annie what’s wrong?’

‘Go away Mikasa’

‘Annie..’

‘Mikasa I hate you. You’ve treated me like nothing but shit’

‘You don’t mean that’

‘I do’  
‘ _I don’t want to be associated with you anymore_ ’

Mikasa felt her heart drop.

What.

_Stab her, stab her, stab her, you know you want to_

Her head just kept roaring, she couldn’t block out the heavy thoughts

Somehow the scissors in Mikasa’s pocket created a small wound in Annies arm

She couldn’t think straight.

‘What the fuck Mikasa’

Her blue eyes wide with terror and shock

‘We’re not friends anymore, I don’t love you anymore’

Thats not true, Mikasa thought to herself

Annie loved her no matter what, she did, she told her on that hill when they were ten. She was going back on her words

Her promise.

It was fine, it was fine, it was fine

It wasn’t fine

3 years later Annie still loathed her

Mikasa had dealt with her childhood trauma

She was self aware now.

Her biggest regret would alway be how she treated Annie.

The hole in her heart just grew and grew.

Time would heal it right?

It didn’t.

Annie still went out her way to avoid her, it was like she never existed, like all the time they had spent together meant nothing.

Mikasa understood, she didn’t deserve Annie, she never did

But without Annie she felt like nothing, her identity was lost.

She’d lost her sun. her sun had left her. No matter how hard she tried to replace Annies warmth it failed, the artificial light of other people was never able to fill her gap.

Dreams filled Mikasa’s head she was in a rare slumber, sleep was sparse but well greeted.

Her and Annie sat together, Annie rested her head on Mikasa’s shoulder, she held Annies cold hands as she snuggled into her neck

‘I missed you’

Mikasa sat up in her bed, tears prematurely flowing down her face, it wasn’t real, it was just a dream

Sleep loved to taunt her, loved to fill her head with cruel dreams, dangling the idea of Annie over her head and then snatching it back away.

The next day was always the same, the same nostalgic feeling of guilt flooded her senses as she saw Annie sitting there reading her book at her desk

God how she missed her.

Mikasa’s childhood wasn’t great, filled with blood and screams, all she knew was anger and pain,

She was going to die, she couldn’t handle it anymore, at a young age she had already decided she was going to end it.

Until Annie.

Annie was and will always be her sole reason of continuing , but she craved her attention more than anything, it was like a drug, like an addiction she could never shake off and she’d been deprived of it for so long

Destructive daydreams of death swirled her head, if she died would Annie finally notice her again?

Would she cry?

Would she regret everything?

Mikasa knew that she was manipulative, she repressed her thoughts, pushed them down to inner most corners but they were still there.

Mikasa knew deep down Annie might celebrate, she might laugh with her friends who had wanted nothing but to push her to her final breaking point.

She heard what they said.

‘Mikasa had a pregnancy scare’

‘Mikasa hates all her friends’

‘Mikasa tried to kill me’

The spineless rumours spread like wildfire

Mikasa was lucky to have the friends she did, but she wasn’t grateful

She knew they’d cut her off the second she got to college 

College.

She didn’t know where Annie was going, but it wasn’t where she was.

Annie had a bright future, she wasn’t going to throw that away.

The thought of not having her sun in her life anymore, she couldn’t think of it without throwing up.

How would she know Annie was safe?

How would she know she was happy?

How could she keep her reason to live?’

12 year old Mikasa sat in the dark muddy forest, the leaves itching her back as the dry mud made her leggings dirty.

The night crawled over as Annie came and sat next to her

‘You made everyone worried Mikasa, why did you run away?’ 

‘Because I knew it would get your attention.’

She’d been self destructive from the start, even as a young girl

Willing to do anything to cling onto Annies attention

Her feeling were dismissed as a child, but at twelve she knew how she felt, she knew she needed to cling onto Annie like a life source.

She was her life source.

Childhood trauma makes anyone grow up too quick, yet at the age of 17 she still felt so behind. Her mental health constantly getting in the way, how long until it consumed her?

There was no sun to scare away the dark clouds.

Mikasa sat in her room sobbing, she couldn’t tell her surroundings. All she could see was the small photo of her and twelve year old Annie stuck on firmly to the wall

She wished Annie would know how she felt.

She’d be gone soon, the clocked just ticked on, it wouldn’t stop for no one

_Dear Annie,_

_My deepest regret will always be how I treated you_

_I know I’ve tried to apologise to you before but I know those apologies were manipulative, all I cared about was getting you back_

_You were my first love and probably my last, I could never even think of caring for anyone but you_

_You saved me, saved me from myself, my thoughts_

_I never opened up to you enough, I never leant on you, in reality you really didn’t know anything about me_

_But what you saw and what you knew, you loved_

_You loved the broken mess of me, no matter what I did you loved me_

_Until it got to much, I didn’t want to lose you Annie, I thought being awful would cause you to give me more attention_

_Even on paper that sounds dumb._

_I miss you more than anything, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I don’t deserve anything, I want you to hate me for everything I’ve done, please despise me for the rest of your life, I hope when you look back on our relationship you feel nothing but anger_

_I love you, I loved you on that hill when you told me, the first time you said you loved me, I never said it back because I never believed anyone could love me especially someone as bright as you, we were just kids but I knew how I felt and nearly 7 years later I still feel the same._

_I can never apologise enough for what I’ve done_

_But one day I hope you leave my mind, I can’t continue with this emotional dependancy especially when you’re leaving me soon._

_Please get out of my head_

_Mikasa xx_

She tucked the notebook she wrote the letter in back into her clothes draw

Just incase something happened, just incase she ended it all

Annie would know how she felt.


End file.
